Scripts and Odd Writings

[sketch] she don’t buy

A DRUG DEALER stands by the side of the stage, looking shifty. Maybe chewing on a candy-cane. A MAN enters from the opposite side of the stage, looks to pass the DEALER, who stops him:

DEALER

Hey.

MAN

Umm… Hi?

DEALER

You looking to score?

MAN

Oh… err…

DEALER

You looking for something, man?

MAN

Ehm… yeah, actually.

DEALER

Yeah?

MAN

Yeah, that’d be good…

DEALER

Great, whatcha looking for?

MAN

Umm… a gram?

DEALER

What?

MAN

A… gram?

DEALER

Oh, I haven’t got that, man.

MAN

Oh, OK. What have you got?

DEALER

Well, how about a satchel?

Pause.

MAN

A what?

DEALER

A satchel!

He reaches inside his side of the stage, and pulls out a satchel.

DEALER

Your basic festival pack. At least a week’s worth of dope, plenty of papers, more than enough cardboard for a bunch of roaches, some tabs for those boring nights where Hard-Fi are playing, a couple of pills for the ups and downs… Very popular.

MAN

Ehm… no.

DEALER

Not your thing? How about a bum-bag?

MAN

What?

DEALER

You know, a fanny-pack, a belt-pack, a Buffalo pouch, a hip-sack-

MAN

I know what it is, I just-

DEALER

Well, how about one?

Pulls one out from backstage.

DEALER (cont’d)

Night on the town? Going clubbing? You’re definitely going to need this selection! A bit of coke, some MDMA, a little speed, pills to round things off, and a ready-rolled spliff for the journey home.

MAN

Look, I-

DEALER

Or how about a rucksack?

MAN

What’s with the bags!

DEALER

Eh?

MAN

The bags?

DEALER

What do you mean?

MAN

Well, it’s not exactly normal to sell drugs like this-

DEALER

Fine, if you don’t want any-

MAN

No, no, I do, I just want some coke!

Pause.

DEALER

That’s it?

MAN

Yeah.

DEALER

Just coke?

MAN

Yeah.

DEALER

Even though drugs taken in that sort of manner, lots of one over a mixed bag of colourful delights, is more likely to cause mental problems and addiction?

MAN

Ehm….

DEALER

WELL? I’m looking after YOUR health, mate!

MAN

Alright, what have you got with coke… in it?

Every time he says an item, the DEALER tosses one onstage.

DEALER

Well, there’s your rucksack, your haversack, your bean-bags, your bra, your piggy-bank, your christmas tree bauble, your small stuffed dog, your ovary, and your burlap sack.

MAN

A burlap sack? Seriously?

DEALER

Yeah.

MAN

What’s in the burlap sack?

DEALER

Well, that’s what I carry everything else in.

Pause.

MAN

How’s business going?

DEALER

Not well. Everyone’s like you… No one likes this new packing style.

MAN

Really?

DEALER

Yeah. No one cares about how drugs really work. Everyone just wants loads, wants to get fucked, off their face, when a little of this, that and the other is perfectly fine, and makes for a more enjoyable experience.

MAN

Right.

DEALER

I mean, I’m just saying.

Pause.

MAN

You know what?

DEALER

What?

MAN

I’ll take the burlap sack.

DEALER

Really?

MAN

Yeah, you’re not cut out for this at all.

DEALER

Thanks! Let me just put everything back in there for you…

He starts to clean the bags into the burlap sack. The MAN pulls a knife, stabs him, takes the bag and walks off. He turns around.

MAN

Another dead dealer. Satchel… Idiot.

The MAN leaves as the DEALER bleeds out.

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2 thoughts on “[sketch] she don’t buy

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