Scripts and Odd Writings

[script] sketch: the ex-hotline (2)

Black stage. V/Os. Computer needs to be painfully cheerful throughout.

COMPUTER

Hello, and welcome to the Ex-Hotline’s new electronic voice-recognition software.

WOMAN

Hello! John?

COMPUTER

Were you expecting to speak to your boyfriend, or are you interested in our service?

WOMAN

John?

COMPUTER

I’m sorry I didn’t catch that! Were you expecting to speak to your boyfriend, or are you interested in our service?

WOMAN

I was expecting to speak to my boyfriend! What the hell…

COMPUTER

Boyfriend, OK! What’s your boyfriend’s name?

WOMAN

John!

COMPUTER

I’m sorry I didn’t catch that! What’s your boyfriend’s name?

WOMAN (clenched teeth)

John. Franklins.

COMPUTER

I’m sorry I didn’t catch that! Could you spell it out for me?

WOMAN

J-O-H-N F-R-A-N-K-L-I-N-S

COMPUTER

Is that: Harold Williams?

WOMAN

No!

COMPUTER

Thanks! John has asked us to say the following: He does not love you anymore.

WOMAN

What?

COMPUTER

He thinks you are a:

JOHN

Stuck up bitch.

WOMAN

What?

COMPUTER

And that you should:

JOHN

Leave me alone.

WOMAN

WHAT!

COMPUTER

He is breaking up with you, and asked us to help! You are now no longer a couple, please return all of his stuff.

WOMAN

What the fuck! What the hell…. (she starts crying)

COMPUTER

How have you found this experience? We are always up for feedback.

WOMAN

Oh my God…

COMPUTER

Please record your response now.

WOMAN

AAARGH (wails)

COMPUTER

Thank you. We will send you message of:

WOMAN

AAARGH (repeat)

COMPUTER

To our quality assurance team. Thanks for your time, and we hope you’re taking it well!

WOMAN

(sobbing) I wish I was dead.

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