Scripts and Odd Writings

[script] sketch: toast

A man and a woman, in a bed. MAN is smoking and reading the newspaper. WOMAN is lying under the covers, idly watching MAN as the pages turn.

WOMAN

Jim?

MAN

(from behind paper) What?

WOMAN

Can we talk about something?

MAN

(from behind paper) Sure.

WOMAN

Well… Have you noticed something… different about me recently?

MAN

(from behind paper) Er-

WOMAN

You know, something… different?

MAN

(from behind paper) Er… (puts paper down) I dunno, babe. Did you dye your hair?

WOMAN

No-

MAN

Oh. (pause) No, I have no idea.

WOMAN

Well, look at this.

WOMAN raises the covers. MAN looks down.

MAN

Oh! Oh.

WOMAN

D’you like it?

MAN

I dunno, babe. I mean… What is it?

WOMAN

It’s supposed to be a J and a D. For us. Jim and Denise.

MAN

Oh. (pause) Doesn’t look like a J and a D. It just looks like you did something different with it. (WOMAN looks tearful) Doesn’t look bad. Just… different.

WOMAN

I did that three days ago.

MAN

So?

WOMAN

So? We’ve had sex since then and you didn’t notice a thing.

MAN

Er-

WOMAN

Look, I just think that our sex-life has gotten a bit… boring.

MAN

Boring!?!

WOMAN

Look, it’s not your fault, I just feel like we always do the same things. That there’s nothing new.

MAN

Oh. (pause) What did you have in mind?

WOMAN

Well, I don’t know…. We could, like, eat stuff off each other.

MAN

Eat stuff?

WOMAN

Yeah, yeah!

MAN

Er, ok.

WOMAN

OK, cool! What do you like?

MAN

What?

WOMAN

Well, what do you like to eat?

MAN

Er, well. I like toast.

WOMAN

Toast?

MAN

Yeah.

WOMAN

Well… em. Toast?

MAN

Yeah. Nice, buttered toast.

WOMAN

Well… I could… balance a slice of toast on my, er (gestures at breasts) Would that… be… good?

MAN

Er… Well… I dunno babe.

WOMAN

Maybe we should think of something else.

MAN

Yeah. When you were thinking of, like, this whole food-thing, what were you thinking of?

WOMAN

I dunno… I wasn’t really thinking… I dunno.

MAN

Well, it doesn’t have to be toast. It could be… curry.

WOMAN

What?

MAN

I love a good curry.

WOMAN

Curry?

MAN

Yeah.

WOMAN

It was silly to bring this up.

MAN

What? No, babe, come on…

WOMAN

No, I’ve had enough. We’re just going to have sex the old-fashioned way.

WOMAN gets out of bed, she is wearing PVC gear.

MAN

Fine.

MAN reaches under the covers and pulls out a bondage mask, which he slips on.

WOMAN

The safe word is… toast.

MAN

Oh you bitch.

WOMAN punches MAN onto bed. BLACKOUT.

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